It's the Women, Not the Men!

Sheeri Mitchell – See “Sheeri Mitchell’s Journal” at Walking Faithfully

The following list was posted on The Girl with a Dragonfly Tattoo , but it was compiled by Sheeri Mitchell from Walking Faithfully.  Sheeri and her husband Mykel are counselors and her list has resulted from many years of experience with troubled marriages. They are based in both California and Texas.

I’ve added links to some of my posts, which are in support of Sheeri’s assertions, as well. You’ll notice I’ve NOT added links where Sheeri addresses hobbies, sex or food because I’ve not written about those topics.

Simply put, I believe that most men truly enjoy their hobbies, so leave them alone to enjoy them with their male friends. On the subject of sex, I consider it a very private matter between a husband and wife, and as a result, I feel it’s very inappropriate for anyone to make comments or to offer advice. And food? I have little, or no, interest in it.

Since all three of these topics are overexposed on the internet, I’ll leave those discussions to others.  The only point on which I disagree with Sheeri has to do with picking up the check.  I don’t approve of women “picking up the check” because I feel it’s a very public, and degrading, experience for most men. Let the men pay for the dinner. It’s part of what they take pride in. But, having said this, the remainder of Mrs. Mitchell’s  excellent observations bear consideration, review and reflection.

1.  Mistresses Initiate Sexual Contact – “Yes, the man is the pursuer.  When a wife pursues her husband sexually, however, it proves that she finds him attractive and desirable.  It seems husbands enjoy being found attractive and desirable at least as much as their wives do.”

2.  Mistresses Are Nice – “It sounds corny, but a little kindness goes a long way.  Big and tough they may be, men appreciate kind words and consideration.  The more brutalized a man is out in the world, the more necessary it is for him to be treated with dignity at home.  Terms of endearment, such as “Honey,” or “Sweetie,” a pleasant tone of voice, or basic manners – saying “Please” and “Thank you” affirm a person’s humanity. (For more: “What Happened to Common Courtesy?”  and “Polite Society’s Purpose“ kqd)

3.  Mistress Show Interest In a Man’s Hobbies – “Many extramarital affairs begin harmlessly enough over shared hobbies.  While on his daily run, he bumps into her on the track.  An avid reader, he joins a book club, where she happens to be a member.  If you husband enjoys football, try taking time to learn the game.  If he fishes, subscribe to a fishing magazine and commit to reading an article or two a week.  Investing in his hobbies can provide more common ground and an opportunity to grow closer.

4.  Mistresses Seek Out a Man’s Opinion – “Is there an area your husband knows a lot about?  Solicit his opinion and listen to what he has to say.  I have a friend who follows local politics very closely. His wife consistently asks him to explain his position on various issues.  She is very smart and has her own opinions, yet makes a point to ask her husband anyway because she is genuinely interested in his perspective.” (For more: “Marvelous Men“ kqd)

5.  Mistresses Feed “Their” Men – “In many households, microwave meals are the order of the day for husband and wife alike.  IF this is true for you and your guy, make hubby something nice once in a while. If you don’t cook, make him a sandwich, or buy him his favorite dish and bring it home to surprise him.  The content may not be as important as the gesture.”

6.  Mistresses Affirm Men – “At a marriage retreat I attended a few years back, the main speaker encouraged wives give out what she called “Attaboys” on a regular basis (as in “Attaboy Mykel! You took out the trash!).  Every husband in the room applauded his approval. Giving a man accolades for a job well done, or a simple task he did on your behalf, shows him that you appreciate his efforts.  Accolades encourage repeat behavior.  Repeat behavior makes for welcome habits.  Everybody wins.” (For more: “The Good Guys“ kqd)

7.  Mistresses Know When to Shut Up – “Giving your husband quiet time – especially at the end of a busy day allows him (and you) to decompress.  During the course of your relationship, establish together how much is a reasonable amount of time for him (and you) to recharge.  Do your best to respect that time. Resist complaining to him about things he can do nothing about.  Not everything you think as a woman needs to be said out loud to your husband.  Do the bulk of your complaining to God.  He knows, understands, and is able to affect change when your husband doesn’t ,won’t, or can’t.  If you need to vent to or unload upon another human being, call or meet with a trusted girlfriend, and give your man’s ears a break.” (For more: “Madcap Marriage” and “What Happened to Quiet?“ kqd)

8.  Mistresses Wear Sexy Undies – “Yes, granny panties are extremely comfy – but your husband doesn’t want to sleep with his nana. Invest in one or two outfits and make a point to wear them to bed periodically. (For more: “Glamour is Gorgeous“  kqd)

9.  Mistresses Know What’s Going on at Work – “I am surprised by how many wives have no idea what their husbands face professionally.  For better or for worse, many men define themselves according to what they do for a living. Wives should know how that part of their man’s life is progressing, if for no other reason than to intercede effectively on his behalf. (For more: “Husband’s Hell” and “Why Do Men Take Things Seriously and Women Don’t?“ kqd)

10. Mistresses (Sometimes) Buy Gifts – “A token gift, a handwritten note, or even a phone call says, “I’m thinking about you. “Who doesn’t like to ‘hear’ that?”

11. Mistresses (Occasionally) Pick Up the Check – “It is more than okay to take your husband on a date from time to time and pay for everything.  If you’re like most couples, the money comes from a joint account anyway.  The gesture, however, is no less sweet.  If you pay from your own account or allowance, then so much the better.”

12. Mistresses Ask For and Give Oral Sex – “For many Christians oral sex is strictly taboo.  There are as many biblically – based opinions on the matter as there are Christians.  Wherever you fall on the spectrum, consider reading Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (by Kevin Leman).”

13. Mistresses Invest in Their Appearance – “Between carpooling, grocery shopping, washing clothes, and wiping noses and /or butts, who has time for a shower, let alone a spa day?  As a mother of four, ages 4 through 12, a writer, an editor, a volunteer, and a student, I know first hand how hard it can be to glam it up.  Sometimes simply putting on a nicer pair of earrings (or any at all), choosing the t-shirt with fewer permanent stains, or painting on clear gloss, constitutes my investment for the day.  The point is to put on something, or do something for yourself that makes you feel more feminine, more beautiful, more confident.  Baby steps in the right direction still get you there.  Give yourself lots of grace as you go. (For more: “Is Dressing Like a Pig Part of Your Persona?“ kqd)

14. Mistresses Say Yes to Sex More Often – “I’m shaking my head because as I write this blog, my husband snoozes soundly in our bed – alone.  I know what it is like to be too tired, too angry, too apathetic, too cranky, or too busy for sex.  But consider this: Your husband is your first ministry.  To him, your “no” is a rejection.  Persistent rejection can lead to his losing interest in asking you for sex altogether (Why should he bother if you’re just going to say “no” anyway?). A loss of interest in you can lead to his turning to someone else for validation.  Not a pronouncement – just something to consider.”