The Christophers is a non-profit, Catholic organization located in New York City. It was founded in 1945 by Father James Keller, M.M. Their mission is as follows:
“The mission of The Christophers is to encourage people of all ages, and from all walks of life, to use their God-given talents to make a positive difference in the world. The mission is best expressed in The Christophers’ motto: “It’s better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”
Ten times a year they publish the Christophers News Notes. The title of their recent publication was, “Hope for Troubled Marriages.” Among the information they included was a list of 7 ways to save your marriage.
With 42 years of marriage to my credit, I’ve added four more to their list, as #8, #9, #10 and #11. I feel these will help those trying to make their marriages work too.
God bless and good luck. Always remember that your marriage is worth every minute of your time and energy because when “perfected” it provides the highest form of human happiness known to man.
Ten Ways to Save Your Marriage
1. Communicate: The number one reason that marriages fail is poor communication. Good communication means listening as well as talking. It must also be open, honest and frequent. You should not only talk daily, but also laugh and cry, share family joys, accomplishments, struggles and sorrows.
2. Fight Fair: Don’t try to “win” arguments. Allow your spouse to maintain self-respect. State the issue honestly. Grant equal time. Don’t complain, say, about the burnt meatloaf, when the real issue is excessive spending. Try to understand the other person’s point of view.
3. Forgive: Stop holding grudges. Forgiveness is a challenge, but it can lead to peace, hope, gratitude and joy. It can also lower your blood pressure and risk of alcohol or substance abuse.
4. Rebuild Trust: Trust takes years to build up, but can be damaged in an instant. Being honest. Keeping your promises is the best way to reestablish trust with your spouse. Practice respect, while supporting one another’s goals.
5. Decide Together: Make joint decisions about finances, disciplining children, chores, vacations and other important family matters.
6. Work on Building Intimacy: Schedule regular dates and romantic getaways. Don’t forget birthdays and anniversaries.
7. Don’t Try to Change Your Mate: Appreciate and respect your spouse’s personality, likes and dislikes, and personal history.
8. Don’t Be A Grouch or a Bitch: Smile and be polite to each other, even when you don’t feel like it. Surprisingly, the effort will chase away the grouchiness or bitchiness.
9. Decide – Motherhood or Career: It is nearly impossible to concentrate on a full-time career and raise minor children properly. Choose one or the other, not both. Your marriage will be stronger for it.
10. Kiss Hello and Kiss Goodbye: This simple ritual will do more for your marriage than you will ever realize.
11. Pray for Each Other: This is probably the most important thing you can do for your marriage and for each other.
Hi K.Q. I have a serious bunch of questions for you, and I’m asking because of your faith, background and experience. I hope you can help. Not that I wish to air my dirty laundry, but here goes. My husband and I have both had affairs. So I’m not feigning a self righteous angel here. However his last few affairs have resulted in children (3) from three different women I always said I would not come between him and his kids I don’t think the children are at fault. However he recently INFORMED me that his 2 yr old son would be coming for a visit for 2 months as his Army mother is out in the field. I feel he is being insensitive, but I don’t want to be the bad guy and say No to the visit. I don’t know if I’m ready to face this reality like that as he does work and I would be the primary care giver.we also have a house full of kids to answer to. So he would love to have his son around and for the kids to know him. I can understand that but what about me? Is this selfish of me? He says he does appreciate me, but I feel if anything this would be a work unto the Lord and not my husband. What do you think, what have you seen please?
How old are your children and do they know this child exists?
Our children ages 11, twin 9 yr olds, 4, and almost 2 and I’m expecting another. They know the children exist. They made a birthday card for their sister. It’s two boys and a girl all 4 and under.
If this is truly your situation I believe adding another two year old to your household at this time would be imprudent. Your husband must place your health at the top of the priority list and you have enough work to do caring for your own little children at this time, especially considering you are pregnant. The mother of the other child should ask her parents to watch the child while she is away and you could do play dates with this child if you felt up to it. I hope you and your husband are seeing, or have seen, a marriage counselor, priest or minister about solving your infidelity problems. That is key to your successfully upbringing of your children. God bless and good luck.
I appreciate the advice. This truly is my situation I would not have dreamed this would be my experience. I’ve learned the hard way that affairs don’t pay and with the consequences my husband endures I hope and pray he has come to the same conclusion. God bless you too Thanks so much.
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Ah, that’s a great list! I’d add, maintain a sense of humor, always use formal manners like please and thank you, and treat each other like you would an honored guest.
I got that last one in a fortune cookie at a time I really needed it. We clean up, drag out the good dishes, and treat our guests as if they were special and worthy of our honor, but our spouses we often tend to treat like an old comfortable piece of furniture.
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